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The news you won't hear tonight

Found: An unnamed female cobra who went missing last week at the Bronx Zoo was discovered in good condition on Thursday morning.

I don't know if we're going to have the time or inclination to tell our viewers across the nation: 1) They captured the snake that was on the loose after escaping from the Bronx Zoo 2) Prince William will not wear a wedding band as a married man (though when you think about it, it’s not like he can slink around the bar at the Airport Sheraton pretending to be single) 3) Oprah's offer to give Donald Trump a makeover is truly intriguing. If they could do something about the hair, she could cap off a brilliant career with the thanks of a grateful nation. 4) The Yankees won and looked good doing it. 5) We hosted a dozen West Point Cadets today. All sparkling young people, all incredibly impressive, all of them will graduate this coming fall. We host a group of Cadets every year, and it’s always a good day when they visit. It makes me feel great about our country's future, and of course we'll be thinking of them and praying for them as they get their assignments and deployments in the U.S. Army as newly minted Second Lieutenants.

For all the news we plan on broadcasting to a national audience tonight: You'll just have to join us.

(Editor's Note: OK, so maybe we couldn't help ourselves with the snake. Or with Prince Williams' ban on the wedding band. In the end those stories were too good to leave out...)